Dear you...

Dear you,

I replayed in my head over and over again how our goodbye would go… You know I knew it was gonna be hard, I knew that it would break my heart because, I realized quickly I was falling for you. I’m not exactly sure I can say I was “falling in love” with you but, you know that feeling you get when you’re around a boy you like? That warm tingly feeling, that comforting feeling. So I can’t exactly say that it was love but I was falling for you and man did I like you. They honestly do say it’s possible to become addicted to another human being and man was I hooked on you. It sounds almost crazy how quickly I fell for you but, hell it didn’t make sense when I finally admitted to myself but I did. The more I would try and pretend my feelings for you weren’t growing the more I realized, I just liked you more each day. I even tried to ignore you for a few days, try to avoid this goodbye but, I didn’t want to go another day not talking to you and laughing then it hit me. Not only was I saying goodbye but I wouldn’t get those long nights anymore, I wouldn’t hear you make fun of me for walking into class late (just about everyday), I wouldn’t hear your laugh, I wouldn’t have anyone to be sarcastic as shit with. You think I would get that goodbye essentially means all those things but I was so numb to this idea that when it drew closer to the day of actually saying goodbye to you it was a hard moment to face. So in my head I would dream up this beautiful and heartfelt goodbye that would break my heart but, one of those moments you cherish anyway even though you know when it is finally really over your heart might shatter in two… of course I wasn’t even getting that, that significant moment of two people who meant so much to each other is such little time, or at least I thought I meant the same to you guess you proved me wrong yet again. I know I never really came out and said it but you knew I know you knew how much I liked you. You know I thought saying goodbye to you would hurt worse but I was wrong. Not being able to see you one last time I think killed me more. My being hurt turned into sadness, then to emptiness, then annoyance, annoyed for two reasons: one, you let me down yet again and even though I sort of expected it I still had high hopes for you. Two, because I let myself fall for you so quickly and easily, that wall that took me so long to build up I tore down. That silent promise I made to myself,  that I wouldn’t allow myself to become so vulnerable again and I did. I did for you, You know I can’t pinpoint the exact moment I fell for you but, I can tell you all the reasons why… when I think of my future, and that moment I decide to settle down with someone I want it to be with someone who can make me laugh for no reason to the point my cheeks hurt, I want someone I can be my goofy sarcastic self with, I want someone who kisses me on the forehead because, i’m laying there and you simply think I look beautiful, I want someone I can stay up with till 3 am no words need to be said just enjoying each other’s company, I want someone that when laying next to them the rest of the world doesn’t matter even if it’s just for a second. In three months that someone became you, everything about you was soothing and every interaction was effortless falling for you was so easy and unintentional and I think that’s what makes this “goodbye” so hard. I wasn’t expecting your hello so imagine my surprise when I had to say goodbye. You know for once I was hoping you’d think of me and say to yourself “I can’t leave this campus without seeing her one last time” but no surprise that instead I got a text: “bye sorry I missed ya!” it felt unreal almost but, I didn’t feel heartache anymore, I was angry such wasted time and breath on someone. I felt betrayed mostly betrayed by myself because I broke my own promises. The promise to never let anyone disappoint me, the promise that I wouldn’t be so careless with my feelings. Then I felt betrayed by you, you knew how vulnerable I was, you knew I was lost, you knew I felt comfort with you and you took advantage of it. You took advantage of the fact that I can’t lie for shit so, there was no hiding how much I liked you, you took advantage of my understanding qualities and made excuse after excuse and I let you. You know I still wish I got that face to face goodbye , just to say it all to your face to tell you I wish I would’ve never meet you that we never even crossed paths on this campus, that I wish you never walked into my being human class that first day of school. I’d say this too, that i’d miss laughing with you, i’d miss that smile and I’d thank you… Thank you for reminding me of all the qualities I am looking for in a person and thank you for making me realize never for settle for anything that doesn’t make me immensely happy.

Sincerely, the girl you left behind.